Life is not a dress rehearsal!!

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Time Anxiety

Time Anxiety

A week ago my doctor gave me a prescription for Xanax after I went on a rant in his office about my current state of frustration. Over the past few weeks, I’ve become increasingly possessive of my time and the lack of common courtesy with people and organizations who do not reciprocate this courtesy.

My doctors appointment became the boiling point because I was not seen until almost an hour past my appointment time. And this, among several other inconveniences, cut into the precious time I had before Gabby went off to college, including our planned mani/pedi’s the day before she left.

It’s not as if we have full on conversations, but I just wanted to be in her presence. Like holding a baby’s hand or smelling a baby’s blanket, once that time is past, you only have the memory.  

While I know I’ll probably vent in the near future on the serial incompetencies that waste of my time (and I’m sure yours too) right now I want to focus on the time I can control. I wanted to freeze time in the days before my baby moved on-campus.

Before she left, I tried with all of my being and all my might, to live in the present.  I’ve cried a few times over the past few days.  The Xanax prescription is still in my handbag. I think instead of a pill or a drink, I just need some time.

Leaving Seinfeldia

Leaving Seinfeldia

I’m currently reading the book Seinfeldia by Jennifer Keishin Armstrong which chronicles the behind the scenes of the tv show Seinfeld and I’ve recognized that many of the events in my life feel like theey’re straight out of a Seinfeld episode. I don’t mean this in a good way.  

My day-to-day life was constant stress and conflict during the most routine situations. Over and over again it felt like nothing ever went right, whatever could go wrong always went wrong. Sometimes it was comical, other times it was exasperating to the point where I wondered if something was wrong with everyone else or just me.
I was always ready to go at the person or situation that caused me to feel slighted similarly to the explanation of Larry David. It’s gotten to the point where my doctor game me a prescription for Xanax to calm me down. My kids think I yell at people when I believe I am asserting myself. I refuse to let someone slight me. In essence, I was in a perpetual state of fight or flight, I was always ready to fight (figuratively not literally) 
That is not how I want to live my life anymore. At my age I would be naive to think this will occur overnight but I’m ready to stop believing the world is out to walk over me. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.   
I wonder if I’m alone in feeling this way and wanting to change. There are a million self help books and I feel like I’ve rad them all. Right now instead of reading about Seinfeeldia, I want to read the book on leaving Seinfeldia.